Baby Mama, NO Drama

March 2012 has been the most chaotic era in my life thus far. Its the month I was diagnosed with lupus, found out I was pregnant, and the father of the child I was pregnant with went away to prison shortly after learning I had lupus. It wasn't until he went off to prison iactually took the pregnancy test to confirm I was pregnant. I of course knew, and that's initially why I thought my body was going haywire, well it was but as ironic as it sounds, being pregnant was the least of my worries at that time.

My pregnancy is what really onset my lupus because looking back, I've definitely been having symptoms my whole life. As a child I missed countless days of school because of the "flu," which is what they would sign it off as when they could never figure it out. They even went as far as calling me a hypochondriac. If only I could see their faces now. Me becoming pregnant, sent my hormones spiraling out of control.

After learning I was pregnant, I wasn't able to communicate with her father for almost a month but when I finally did, I didn't have much to say. Not talking to him, not knowing what was going on was so stressful, it made my hair fall out ten times quicker than it normally would have! the stress was only feeding the lupus more, making it more powerful and me weaker.  

One day my phone kept ringing, I was just too sick to answer or care for the fact of that matter but after about the seventh call I gave in and answered. "Press 3 for the charge of 9.99 do you accept this prison facility's call,"i quickly pressed three anxiously knowing it was him. When I heard him say hello on the other end, I didn't say any of the things i'd practiced, all I could get out is, " I'm pregnant. And I have lupus." 

He felt guilty, especially after learning he would be in prison for almost five years. I felt alone. I felt like the joke was on me. I didn't know who exactly I was blaming the joke on but this couldn't have been life, me and the father of my child were both starting new life changing journeys  and although one of those journeys we share, i'll be startng alone, parenthood.

I wanted to be angry so bad but I couldn't. I wanted to be furious at him for leaving me alone at a time like this. But I couldn't be mad. I couldn't be mad too long because I would've made myself more miserable and the stress would have literally killed me at that point. I had to do like Elsa and let it go. I had to see this situation in a different light or would have lost the little bit of mind I had left. I couldn't stay angry at something I couldn't control, that would've been insanity.

I had to realize this child was coming into a the world which seemed like a tornado at the time but then realized she was the calm of both our storms. She was the thing we both have to look forward to when times get dark. She is our light.  This is why we've agreed that drama is not necessary , especially the way our situation is set up. Hannah met her father for the first time of January of this year, the same day he was released from prison.  It was also the first time id seen him since the day he was sent away in 2012.

Time is the one thing in this world you can for sure never get back, You can reinact a moment all you want but itll never be the same as the actual moment. May as well live it peacefully.