Deserve

Maybe it was true... I didn't deserve to walk. I didn't deserve to live a " normal" life. I didn't deserve a healthy relationship. I didn't deserve good health, I didn't deserve to know what its like to drive. I didn't deserve to work. I didn't deserve confidence , I didn't deserve anything... That's what I used to tell myself to cope with the fact my life had come to what seemed to be an abrupt stop.

As harsh as it sounds telling myself those negative things made me content. Although it was denial at the time, I told myself I didn't deserve anything because physically my body was failing me, and thats what it felt like... God wouldn't show me a sign or an answer as to why I was going through what I was going through, so I created an explanation for myself. That I had somehow did something so wrong in the eyes of God to where I just deserve nothing...

This thought satisfied me because it made me content with where I was, being sick because at the time I could see it no other way. Instead of crying over a problem, I started to accept it as my fate to cope. Like when I was too sick to go any where in public because my immune system was so low, I'd convinced myself I didn't deserve to leave the house anyway, just to calm my curiosity of what was really still going on in the world outside. No one was missing me, or at least that's what I told myself when I would see my friends still carrying on with their social lives. I was making a world of my own to cope with my own sadness, to give myself an explanation as to why I was going through what I was going through.

I didn't deserve to be beautiful because I loved myself too much. I adored my hair, my flawless skin... Maybe I looked at it too much in the mirror, maybe I admired my skin too much in the mirror... Maybe I was too vain, maybe God was punishing me for vanity? That's what I told myself when my hair began to fall out and those rashes ravished my skin, looking like I almost had third degree burn.. I was being punished for loving myself too much, I deserved everything I was going through. I truly believed that because at the time I just couldn't understand any love through that situation. I felt like God was hearing none of my cries, so I began to answer for him...

When my skin began to clear up and my hair grew back, I was confused. Was my punishment over? I had to realize through time, that this was never punishment or had anything to do with " deserving" something. Most times life doesn't allow us to pick our battles but you can choose the will to fight! Its so easy to blame God, especially when times get hard, when it goes from a great time to a great struggle...I had to realize we're all in the game of life. We all have different obstacles and struggles, and I know its hard but to not be a victim of life, you have to face those battles head on . I know God sees the strength in me not even I can see, because some of the battles I face, I still question why? But I know I'm not going through these struggles because of something I did, this is something that happened and how I deal with it is what determines my strength. I deserve to believe in myself, I deserve to LIVE.