Intimidated

Confidence, the invisible super power we should all obtain. When all else fails, if nothing else, our confidence can save us from many situations, its almost a natural defense mechanism. Its not something someone can give you, it comes from within. It can be as strong as a building, but destroyed as quickly as falling dominoes...

That was me... My confidence had always been giant, I never had to question myself when leaving the house, I just knew I looked good. I knew that once I left my house,   I was exactly how I wanted to be, how I wanted to look. But that quickly changed after the damage done from lupus. See lupus is more than just a disease. Its like that neighbor no one invites to the pot luck but they show up every year... A bully that just feels entitled to whatever, whenever.  After going out for the first few times after my first flare, I felt something id never felt before,... intimidated.

Going into the grocery store, not necessarily thinking of the way I looked at first because my actual body felt like hell and I just wanted to get out the house and go somewhere besides the doctor. But when I got in the store I slowly began to observe other women around me. They were healthy, with full heads of hair and clear skin. All the things that at that time, I didn't obtain. I wasn't a woman, not an attractive one anymore at least. If people were staring at me now, it wasn't in admiration of my beauty, they're probably wondering why i'm bald, and why my skin looks the way it does. That's when I began confining myself to the house, I didn't want to be compared to my old beauty and I didn't want to put myself in another beauty competition in my head I was sure to lose.

As time went on, I got better; that's the thing about our physical body, its made to heal itself. My skin cleared up, my hair eventually grew back, very close to how it was before lupus had robbed me of those things. But my confidence problem had gotten worst.I’d gone from looking not only at the physical attributions I lacked but I also started evaluating my place in life, education and finances too. When I was first diagnosed, I was a sophomore in college and I was too sick to continue. I watched many of my peers and cousins graduate around me... Everybody was succeeding and I felt like a spiraling failure.

Watching people get their career jobs and moving into their first homes, and I just seemed to be stuck depending on my parents all over again. I'd failed myself in what seemed like so many ways. What was I going to say when people asked me how it was going? What do I have to show for? Medical bills and statements? Who wants to hear about that, who cares about that?

Life began to intimidate me. Being a young single mother, not  exactly able to work, as my daughter got older I began to wonder more and more, how will I get her what she wants? What happens when she actually notices I'm different than other moms? All these insecurities added to the demise of my confidence. The more I felt like nothing, the more nothing I felt I became because I avoided going places, and being around people. I'd let lupus consume my life, i'd let it bully me into a corner which seemed like I'd never find a way out of. For myself, and my child I had to break from this internal bully, and it wasn't even Lupus anymore, it never was, it was me.

I was intimidated by the unknown. I was intimidated by the possibilities I know lupus may bring; knowing I can be up one day and down the next.  It eventually became a habit for me to talk myself out of doing things before I even gave it a try. When you lack confidence everything is intimidating. Something as simple as going grocery shopping turns into a fashion show. I had to take back control over my life, my confidence. All the things I was allowing to intimidate me, were fears I'd built within my own mind because I began to think so little of myself. I've broken free from the bondage of comparing my life and situation to others and I realized I was never meant to be like my peers. I had to create a healthy balance for myself and be patient. All those things that intimidated me, I was always capable of obtaining too, I just had to wait for my time. Confidence is a stain no one can wipe off but YOU! I had to realize the things that intimidated were the things I’d made up in my head. Realizing I’m still alive made me realize I’m still capable of reaching my dreams.Our confidence is our shield, never let anything or anyone break that shield...

#lupus #inspirational #chronicillness