Rooting Out The Poison

Sometimes we get so used to certain things and people we don’t realize when they begin to change or that they never will... It’s easy to dismiss things when your stuck between the visualization for yourself ; how life was “ supposed “ to be ; and reality...

I find myself remembering my good dreams more than my nightmares. I would rather attach a good memory to something than a bad one. If i remembered all the bad, scary aspects about certain places or people, i wouldn't go anywhere. Sadly i know a lot of us women can be this way... Sweeping the bad moments under the rug when a good moment comes to save the day. Its easy to forget how we got a bruise , after its been healed for years...

After realizing the pattern of my triggers of lupus and the things that seemed to "keep me sick," i realized the cause of most of these flares, i was highly in control of; Stress. The kind of stress i had taken on while i was new to lupus was poisonous. I was letting people that had no business controlling my emotions, dictate my feelings, my day , my life. And the more I found myself doing that, the sicker i would become. 

When i was first diagnosed, i went through this denial phase that I was drifting from certain friends. Whether it was because they were afraid to see me "sick" or because they were too busy, i would make up excuses for them, almost setting myself up to get lied to. Yes, they were wrong for lying saying they'd invite me out, that they were coming to visit me , but it was my fault i kept forgiving their behavior, only to set myself up for a hurtful truth in the end. Leading to a road of depression and stress yet again, in a weird way to cope with my sadness.

 At one point it seemed like everyone was leaving when i needed people the most. When my motherhood journey didn't exactly go the way i'd planned , i let the thought of the " perfect" family consume me. I felt like I'd failed my daughter as a mother... Bringing her into this world while i was sick, i didn't feel worthy of motherhood. A sick single mother, i felt like a failure... I would feed myself those poisonous thoughts... Every single day was a new dose of poison,... a new thought of negativity. The more i thought, the more i stressed...

I just thought i could give my child the childhood i had; a two parent home; i never imagined having my childs father be in prison for the first four years of her life.  I used to think too fast, wondering how life would be when he got out. Would it change, stay the same? A poisonous thing, wondering and worrying about something i couldn't control. The thought of the perfect family was destroyed, at the time... I felt like another stereotype but worst because i was sick... 

I began to poison my thoughts more by seeking validation from social media, old friends... I wanted people to see that after the flares i was finally getting better. Maybe they wouldn't be so slow to invite me out or to actually just treat me like , "Gabby." I thought i had to prove something to certain people, people that weren't benefiting my life to begin with as i started to get healthier and realize...

I soon realized that my poisonous thoughts were starting to reflect in my life... I had to root out the poisons that were consuming me... Validation, Lack of Self worth, Negative anticipation; all the thoughts poisoning my soul, Stressing me out... I had to root out those poisons before it was too late. Stress is not good for anyone, but having lupus, it is a serious risk and can lead to detrimental consequences , consequences that the things i was stressing about wasn't worth. 

I began focusing on myself again. The things i liked, not the things i thought people would like on Instagram. I began focusing on the people that were in my life, not the people that used to be. I had to accept my reality, where i am now... Regretting and retracing my steps in my head won't change anything. I had to accept Lupus and that people won't always understand. I had to realize that i was worth it. I HAD to root out the poisons to live...