Soul Food

Have you ever been on a search for something , but throughout the search you realize , you don't even really know what it is your looking for ? Lately I've been looking for something because i feel like something is unfinished or not yet good enough. Could that something be me, since i'm not in the place i exactly want to be right now? Is it money, Love, friendship; i could use more of all those things but I've obtained them all, and still this feeling remained.

Lately Ive been taking things personally. And we all know that isn't healthy. I would take short answers and straight faces personally. Whenever someone missed my call or didn't return it, i took it all personally. I felt like my friends were doing things with all their friends But me. I felt myself sinking into a place of loneliness and depression. Picking out all the weak parts of myself, telling myself I deserved all these things . 

I found myself calling the suicide hotline last week. I couldn't talk to my friends and family because i didn't want them to worry or send me to a hospital, but i had to talk to someone about the thoughts that sometimes go through my head when i'm alone. Lupus has made my pain tolerance very strong , in more than the physical aspect. Im always just "Ok" when people ask because realistically i want to say so much more. Sometimes, a lot of times , im strong, but the armour and shield have to come off sometimes. 

The hotline chat was useful but still i questioned myself and purpose here. I began to pray more and more. I made it a point to wake up and pray before looking at any social media. I began putting my goals into action before doing the small things that weren't so important. That's when i slowly began realizing , what I'm looking for is ME. I was so focused on waiting on other peoples acknowledgment and invitations, i forgot , I matter. The feeling of not being good enough came from my own thoughts and expectations of people. 

I realized that  at a point i would wake up wondering what people were doing, not me, but everyone else. I wasn't waking up on my own agenda, and when i wasn't apart of other people's , i was disappointed every time. I had to take back focus of me, and what it is that feeds my Soul. My soul was beginning to starve because i was so consumed in wanting things from people they couldn't give me. Not a person, not money, it had to come from ME. Starting by doing things i love, even if it is alone. Feeding myself positive nurturing thoughts . 

I realize the soul is like our root. We have to keep it nourished. But don't leave it to other people to nourish your soul for you or you'll be left to starve every time. I found some things that nourish my soul, Praying, meditation, focusing on my own time and goals, and holding expectations for no one but myself. We can do things all day, that have no soul nourishment, and we wonder why we feel so tired or upset without a real reason. 

The soul is the root of our existence. Don't forget to nourish it with the things that make you happy and feel FULL. Meditation, prayer, taking steps to get closer to my goal are just a few of mine. What is you Souls Food?