Its Ok to Go Crazy, But Come Back

The year 2020 matched my universe coming in the way it did. My personal life, relationships and some friendships , had made a complete 360 by the time the new year had come . When I say that, so many things had changed , ended, and moved on ...

Everyone says that they knew 2020 would be chaos the moment the basketball legend Kobe Bryant died in an unexpected plane crash along with his daughter and several others; that seemed to have stopped the world and caught its attention. Just when people thought that nothing could be more shocking than that; less than a month after that, we were being warned of a highly fatal respiratory virus spiraling all over the world from China .Bringing schools, work, restaurants , amusement parks , everything but highly essential places to shut down. It seemed like the world was going crazy.And as all this is happening , my personal and family life was also changing , so when the world stopped, it was just the icing on the cake.It seems like I was in the eye of a tornado in my own emotions and situations and the world started to follow...

Going through certain things and situations , especially for the first time can be unexpected , unintended and traumatizing. I know after my first lupus flare , I lost my mind. It was clear as day , my emotions and thoughts were everywhere and it Came out through my actions. My first Lupus flare was a beast and I had another underlying disease that I would battle for a year in pain after being diagnosed with just lupus alone. It ravished my body , and all the things I’d associated with being ME. My hair fell out , I had painful inflamed rashes consuming my body, including in my mouth , nose and ears. I was in constant pain , especially in my lower body all day everyday. Those things weren’t me before my diagnosis , so I didn’t feel like Me, so I wasn’t . Well somewhat, in a way I was , I just went Crazy within myself.

Going crazy doesn’t always mean you need to be wrapped in a white coat surrounded by cushioned walls. In my case, I had to lose my “ old” self to not only discover the new part of me , but to also accept it. Which is another battle in itself; I went through the 5 Stages of grief after being diagnosed , especially after they finally had an answer for the extra symptoms diagnosing me next with Transverse Myelitis. And after that diagnosis, I went through the most dangerous part , Denial . Which I feel like made me look the most Crazy during those times . I was doing things that didn’t match what I was going through, talking and confided in people that really served no purpose in my life . I was trying to surround myself with people not knowing what I was going through to feel Normal again , to help me feel like Me again... And in doing that I felt so empty and unloved. But it did help me realize how insane it was trying to act “ Normal” when I felt nothing like it , I had to come to a real realization with myself, things had changed...

At a point I had to face my reality and the things going on in and around my life. My first flare made me feel a way I never felt before. I didn’t know how to deal with it or cope. From all the lupus stories I’d heard and witnessed , my version was new. It wasn’t fair, I didn’t understand why it had to be me in this position but I was and once I accepted that , I began to heal. I began to listen and learn my body , it began to get a little easier because I knew myself again...

Sometimes we Have to go crazy to find our way back. Sometimes we have to Get to a Point your asking yourself , “How and why did I get here?” Sometimes our biggest fear is ourselves , and the things we create in our head. If you can go Crazy, you can come back, everything is truly started and felt through the Mind. Mindset is everything especially when it comes to both physical and spiritual survival . Please don’t give up on yourself and your situation. The moment you think you want to quit ,you will, the moment you think you want to survive , you will Live.